My mother passed away on December 6th, 2004, after being sick for about a month - it was unexpected. A few hours before her funeral my father had a heart attack and died. He was heart broken. They were both 68. My 8 year old daughter and her 8 year old cousin found my father on his driveway. They ran inside and got my sister and then went outside with her to discover he had died. At that time my aunt took both girls inside. We (my sisters, brother and I) were all screaming and falling to our knees. The paramedics came and tried to help him. It was like a nightmare.

Two of my daughters teachers have mentioned that they are a little concerned about her and a friend of mine told me this weekend that she sees that my daughter is sad by just looking at her. My daughter follows me everywhere. Upstairs to get the wash, in the kitchen to get a drink of water, etc. I do not know what to do to help her...I also feel like she is trying to be my caregiver. When it first happened she kept repeating to me over and over again the conversation that she and her cousin had when they found my dad. I want to help my daughter. I am also trying to deal with my own grief and overwhelming sadness.

Can you give me any suggestions?

I am so sorry to learn about your father's tragic death right on top of your mother's. You and your family sound undertandably in shock. And of course your daughter is very sad.

It is normal that after such a trauma she would want to be with you. She needs that feeling of safety and comfort. A parent's presence gives that reassurance. Have you looked in our Bookstore? I think that there you will find many books that will help both you and your daughter. Many of those books are in public libraries - others can be purchased through us.

Are you aware we have support groups for adults? Our group adult-parents is for adults who have had a parent die. I think joining with others who are dealing with this painful loss would help ease some of your pain and give you a place to talk about how you and your daughter are doing.

Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of further help.

I need to find out how to explain to a 4 year old child with very limited talking skills that his classmate has passed away suddenly. The children at school keep asking about the little boy and I need help and if should take him to his friends funeral or at least to funeral home to let him say good bye to his friend. Thanks.

I don't know whether this child is your son, grandchild or student. It would help if I knew.

The short answer is, if you are going to have ongoing contact with this child personally, then, yes, do take him to the funeral home and let him see and touch his friend's body. There is innate, instinctual recognition of a corpse by all mammals. Seeing his friend's body will give him the information he needs better than anything verbal that can be done.

As to the funeral, it depends on what sort of funeral it is. If it is highly participatory, such as people talking about the child, sending up balloons, etc., then yes, you might go. If it is mostly ritual, then probably not. That is of little relevance to a child.

There are excellent books in our store to help children learn about death, books for both children and adults. Many of these books can be found in public libraries.

If you have more questions, write back with more information about your relationship to the child and I will try to help. With caring...

Your son's response is quite normal. He is not able to understand an abstract explanation, and the fact that Naomi might be pain free is of no relevance to him. What he is expressing is his pain at her absence. By his reasoning, he believes she is as unhappy about the separation as she is.

I gather you did not include him in her euthanasia? That would have been the best way to handle it, as then she would not appear just to vanish. But the thing to do now is to deal with his grief. Have you buried Naomi? If you have, then a visit to her gravesite and a graveside service would be good. If you have not, then a memorial service might be appropriate, one that involves the whole family plus all Naomi's friends, both people and animal. Ceremonies have a way of providing closure.

He should be encouraged to draw pictures of her, write stories about her, perhaps release a balloon with a message attached to it...anything that gives him an outlet for his feelings. Obviously she was a lifelong companion for him, so her death is of extreme importance and needs to be taken very seriously.

There are a number of good books available for children. Many of these books can be found in your local library; others can be purchased through us. Some good ones I can recommend are Aarvy Aardvark, Lifetimes, Badger's Parting Gift, Saying Goodbye, The Dead Bird, Dog Heaven, Goodbye Forever, When a Pet Dies...there are so many there.

When your son is upset, pick him up and comfort him. Let him know it's OK to cry, to miss her, to feel bad. If you are sad, share your sadness with him. The more you comfort him and encourage him to share his feelings, the easier it will become for him.

Don't expect his healing to be fast. He had Naomi all his life. It will be a long time before she's only a happy memory.

Your niece is quite normal. Six weeks is nothing in the life of a loss. I still mourn my grandfather's death at age seven, and I'm sixty. She is acting out her grief in a very healthy way, and what she is doing is quite healing. For her to do these things for many weeks or months would not be inappropriate. At age six she probably has very few ways to express and discuss her grief.

Rather than worring about it, adults around her can help by encouraging her to express her feelings in other ways. I always like the use of books and art. She seems to have the art working, so try looking in our library for books that are appropriate for her age. I'd start HERE - and many are available in your local library.

I am a 39 year old mother of a Ben 16. and Rose and Charlotte twins, aged 10. I have had breast cancer for 6 years and I have been told this week that I have less than a year to live. My children have always been kept informed of my illness and though sad have coped with me in my poorly times and seen me keep going to work and and manage our family in the better times.

My dilemma is now, how do I move this forward to help them start the grieving process whilst I am well enough to support them. I don't know what to say. I know that my husband and very supportive family and friends will be there for them but the pain of my grieving my loss of them and the emotional pain it will cause are making it difficult for me to see the best way to help them.

I know I need to be honest and that I can do, but how can I help them?

I would appreciate and advice that can help us move through this together.

Thank you.

I am so terribly sorry to learn about your illness and about your being told that you have less than a year to live. My best friend died of breast cancer when she was not much older than you. She, like you, looked to the future of her loved ones and did many things to help us deal with her leaving us.

First of all, are you in a support group for yourself? We have a support group on GriefNet (our parent site) for those with life-threatening illnesses. It is called grief-coping.

Talking to your children regularly and frequently about your death and what their lives might be like afterwards is so important. If you all can be sad together now, then your presence will be with them after you've gone and they are sad.

Create memories. Gather old photos and videotapes and watch them together when it is appropriate. And begin to create a memory book with them that they can continue after you're gone. Perhaps one book for each child and one for the whole family. Thoughts, poems, photos, mementoes that will fit - put them all together. My grandmother packed and sent me over the years little boxes with family treasures in them. I still open them from time to time, and feel the crocheted place-mats and anti-macassars and re-read her instructions on how to wash them. I find the silver dollars she set aside from the last century. I read some of her personal letters that she wrote to an aunt when she was a teenager. She developed Alzheimer's before I was really old enough to appreciate her, but these items make me remember her in "her right mind."

You might want to write or to videotape messages to your children for the upcoming anniversaries when they will miss you so greatly: the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without you, religious holidays, birthdays, graduations, marriages, the births of their children. I would suggest letting them know that you are doing this, so they don't have total shock when the first occasion arrives. One of my friends helped her best friend do this last autumn when she was dying. This spring my friend received one of those cards, and even though she knew that these were being put aside to be sent at future dates, it still was quite a shock to her to receive it. You will know best how to arrange these future messages for your children.

Talk with your husband a lot about how the children grieve and try to foresee what they will be missing in the ways that you comfort your children now. You can explore ways that they can receive help from others in the family and in your caring community.

Whatever your beliefs are about life after death, talk about them now. Find out what your children's beliefs are. Help them think about how those beliefs might or might not change after you're gone. Talk with them about funeral or memorial arrangements. The more of that you can plan now, the easier it will be on all of your family and friends.

Your kids might wish to join our support group for kids, kids-to-kids. There are several children in that group who are anticipating the death of a parent. The kids in the group are extremely supportive of each other.

I am a great believer in books. You might want to browse your public library and our bookstore for books that might help them.

Expect your children to regress to earlier behaviors, both now and after you are gone. It is normal for children to retreat to an earlier time, when their worlds were safer.

Finally, do not hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help.

Focusing on this type of loss is a great idea.  Sudden loss is very different than an anticipated loss. 

We don't use message boards at GriefNet because we have found they are  unsafe.  Sometimes people post nasty or hurtful things and we do not find  them before they cause some damage.  What we do instead is have support  groups.  Our group, kids-to-kids, is for any kid with a major loss.   Right now this group is kind of small, but when it grows bigger, we could easily start a second group, or a 3rd and 4th, for kids who want to talk  to other kids about a specific type of loss. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

There are several email-based support groups at GriefNet (KIDSAID parent organization) that would be helpful to you in dealing with your son. One would be kids-to-kids. Parents and friends of kids may write to the list with questions, though only kids can chat in general. If your son is computer literate, this might be a good place for him to come, too. The other would be for you to join grief-training, which is a place for anyone working with the bereaved, whether professional or lay. There are over 100 people in that group who would be happy to give advice. 

I often find that reading books works better with children his age. Kids do not usually articulate their grief. They often deal with it through reading, art, or play. I can suggest a few books for you, or him or both:  "Bimmi Finds a Cat", "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf", and "Helping Children Cope with Loss"   All three of these books are available through GriefNet's Bookstore. They may also be available locally at your library or bookstore. 

Finally, if he was getting counselling last year, perhaps you might speak with his counsellor and get some further advice.

I hope some of this helps. Please let us know.

I am so sorry to learn that your husband was killed. This is a terrible loss for all three of you. Your daughters are fortunate to have a mother who is concerned about their feelings and their healing.

It is quite normal for children to appear, at times, unaffected by a loss. Children's grief is not constant, as an adult's is, but comes and goes. There are times when they appear not to be grieving at all. But they are. Take a look at the Dougy Center page http://www.griefnet.org/KIDSAID/dougypage.html We got permission to re-publish it here because it describes kids' grief so well.

We have other resources for you through our bookstore. The Dougy Center has a publication, Helping Children Cope with Death. We also recommend Helping Children Cope With Loss.

Then there are many books for children about death and loss. Check both our bookstore and your local library. I find that reading these books to a child allows for discussion and caring, as well as letting the children know that grief is normal.

Finally, make sure you are getting the support you need. You might want to consider joining our support group for people who have lost their partners, run through our parent site, GriefNet. It is called grief-widowed.

Don't hesitate to write back if we can be of any further help.

I'm so sorry to learn of your loss of both your mother and grandmother. It is hard at any age to lose such special people.

Your son's reactions are both normal and deserving of more attention. Children grieve in a cyclical way - as they age, they re-work their grief from this new perspective. We adults do that as well, but the cycles are usually triggered by events, rather than growth or the passage of time. However, sometimes a birthday will set it off.

The best thing you can do with your son during these upsets is to listen and to comfort. Sometimes we just have to be with them while they get their feelings out. If you can do this, be sympathetic and understanding without trying to change his feelings, that may be sufficient. You don't say, however, how you are dealing with your own grief, and this could affect your son. If you are at peace, then he can find that peace by being with you.

If you are not, which would certainly be understandable, you might wish to do some things to help you deal with your own grief. One might be to join a grief support group. Our parent site, GriefNet, has a support group called adult-parents, where adults grieve the loss of their parents, grandparents, and parent figures. If you son likes computers, he might like to join our support group for kids, kids-to-kids.

Take a look at our page from the Dougy Center, How Children Grieve. That is certainly a good thumbnail of children's grieving. You might also want to look in the Bookstore of GriefNet, too.

These suggestions may help you get started, but don't hesitate to write back if we can be of further help.

I am so very sorry to learn your child has this particular form of illness. You need to do two things right away. The first is to make sure she is in a safe environment ALL the time and the second is to get her professional help. It is undoubtedly difficult for you to arrange both of these things, but the risk of not doing so is way too high.

If you must work, are there friends, family, neighbors who can be with her? Explore EVERY alternative.

For professional help, start with your family doctor. Ask for a referral to a child psychiatrist. You can also call your local community mental health association for referrals. There are people who are expert in helping children with this disorder. It may take many phone calls, but persist.

I strongly recommend you suggest she join our support group for kids, kids-to-kids. The kids in this group are extremely supportive of each other. They seem to have the knack of pulling each other back from the brink.

These are some suggestions to start with. Don't hesitate to write me back for more advice and support.

Your son is both normal and in need of help.  One of the aspects of grief which is not well known is that grief repeats itself.  One must re-grieve one's losses at each new stage of life.  For adults this may happen at a marriage, at the loss of another significant person, at moving to a new place.  With children this happens as they enter a new stage of development. Your son is nearing or entering puberty. The loss of his father takes on new aspects, and he must come to terms with the loss all over again.

Getting counselling for him is excellent. That will also enable you to learn more of what is troubling him. Kids with loss often fall on their faces when they turn a new corner. When their parents don't abandon them to this new form of loss, the kids usually work it through.  Your understanding of what may be underlying your son's behavior is a wonderful gift to him. Keep on being there for him and have faith in the inner child you know is there.

Your son may wish to join our support group, kids-to-kids.  There kids support each other and that seems to be of great help to many of them.

You might wish to browse our children's bookstore. 

Some suggested titles:
Helping Children Heal From Loss

Together We Can Heal -- an excellent musical tape.

We are adding new titles to our bookstore daily, so if you check back from time to time, there should be new titles to consider.

Don't hesitate to contact me if I can be of any further help. 

I am so terribly sorry to learn of your son's death. What a tragedy for you as well as your younger children. I am sure you all devastated.

Your children's behavior most likely does result from their brother's death. This is quite normal and is also an indicator that they need more attention. Children often do not express their feelings directly, and often will say nothing is wrong as a way of pushing themselves further away from painful feelings. Please take a look at our page from The Dougy Center which explains children's grief so well.

Punishment is never my first choice for finding out why children are mis-behaving, especially with the little ones. It is true, though, that they often won't tell their parents what is wrong, even when they know. In the case of such a horrific loss, I would seek professional help for them. Places to seek such help would be through local hospices, funeral homes, or community mental health centers. If you hit a dead end, write back here.

If you kids are computer literate, they may wish to join our on-line support group for kids, k2k. The kids there are incredibly helpful and supportive of each other, young and old. And kids almost always feel more reassured by other kids than they do by us.

Another resource to try is books to read to them. Check your public library and you can also look in the kids section of our bookstore.

Although I write this last, the first and most important thing to do is to take care of yourself. Children follow their parents' models. This tragic loss of your son must surely be taking its toll on you, as well. Please check our support groups for adults for a place to get help for yourself. We have numerous groups for bereaved parents and for those who have lost loved ones due to violence.

Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help.

 I am sorry you have this painful task.  It sounds as though your granddaughter has been through some hard times with her family split up.

The best way to tell her is just to tell her.  Just say, "Grandma Brown died last night."  Then pause and wait for her reaction, if you get one,  and if not, go on to tell her what you know about what happened, what  funeral arrangements are made, etc. 

There is no way to make bad news feel good or even OK, so don't worry  abut it.  If you let me know how old she is, I can suggest other things  that might help and resources you might use.

I'm so sorry to learn about your daughter's pain.  It is very hard for  any of us when a loved one dies, but sounds especially difficult for your  daughter.

Since I'm not in a position to evaluate her, let me suggest a number of  things for you to consider.  She might wish to join our support group for kids, kids-to-kids.  If she continues to be this upset for a few more weeks, you might have  your family doctor look at her.  Depressive disorders can emerge any time  throughout life, and often are triggered by major loss.  These disorders  have a medical base and often that is the first course of treatment. Usually that is accompanied by therapy with counsellor, especially one  trained in bereavement.

Finally, you can check our bookstore for useful items.  We are adding to our topical listings every week.

You don't say how you are doing with the loss of your father, but you  might wish to know we have a support group here for adults who have lost  parents.  It is called adult-parents and you can find it at the same URL as kids-to-kids.

Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help.

I am so sorry to learn about Nina's husband.  What a tragic loss for all of you, especially the children.

We do not have listings of specific ground-based support groups; just the Internet.  But most hospices have or know of support groups for children.  I would suggest you look under hospice in the yellow pages and call any of them for referrals.

Thanks so much for your kind words about the show.  We are so glad to know that we had a part in helping you.

I am so sad to learn of your wife's tragic and untimely death.  You certainly have your hands full while dealing with your own painful losses.  We will do our best to help you find the resources that can aid you all in healing.

First, you may wish to join a group for widowed people.  This is run at our parent site, GriefNet.   Just click on the Support Groups and you will find your way there.  It's a truism that when caring for children, one has to first make sure that the parents are well cared for.  In this group you will find many others who have lost a partner, a lot of them with children.

As for your children, I think we can also be helpful in finding them resources.  Your older child, and even your five year old, may find things at KIDSAID that catch their interest.  Kids of any age are welcome to join kids-to-kids and the site has lots of great links.

Another resource for you is the Bookstore at GriefNet.  We are adding titles almost daily, so if you browse it from time to time, you are likely to find many things to help you.  And finally, if you reach a dead end, write me back.

I am sure your son is having a very difficult time dealing with this horrific death.  All of the symptoms you describe him having are what one would expect after such a terrible loss.  That does not mean, however, that this crisis will resolve itself unattended.  I would encourage you to get professional help for him immediately.  He is having to deal with a death that even most adults would find excruciating, and he's only a child.

The type of help you seek may need to be two-fold.  Ideally a child psychiatrist who is experienced in bereavement counselling would be the place to go.  However, such a person may be difficult to find.  In that case I would look both for counselling and for a physical evaluation by an M.D.  Many of his reactions, such as loss of appetite and motivation, are symptoms of depression, and that is a physical illness, not an emotional one.  Depression warrants as much medical attention as, say strep throat.  It is fortunately easy to treat, though when it is accompanied by trauma, the trauma warrants psychological intervention.

Please don't hesitate to write me back if I can be of further help.

Talk about it.  That's the first, last, and most important thing to do.  Bring up the subject at a time when the kids are attentive, and deal with it however the kids can.

What I do is to sit on the floor and ask them to sit near me.  I start  with "Do you all know X's father died?"  Regardless of their answers, I go ahead and tell the story as I know it: how he died, when he died, and how X must feel.  Meanwhile I've been passing out drawing paper and crayons and suggest that as we're talking about this sad subject, kids might wish to make X a card or letter or picture telling them they're sorry his dad died.

I also have a handy, dandy stack of books near me.  If the kids aren't talking much, I read one of the books to them.  A short one.  I'll attach a bibliography  (I'm just now working one up for our bookstore, which you can find HERE) and so what you will find there is incomplete.  But I'll bet your library has some of these books on hand. 

I also model for the children by talking about losses I've suffered: "My mother died.  I was very sad."  I often go into pets, as many kids have lost pets.  That's also a good way to get into body disposal questions (burial, cremation, and with fish, flushing them down the toilet!  I prefer burial for ALL pets, but many kids have had fish flushed.....)

When X comes back to school, he can be given the cards by the children.  Maybe do something like have punch and cookies to make it a positive event.  But I wouldn't push talking about death unless X feels like it.

Let us know how this goes and if we can be of further help.   With great caring...

I am the stepmother of a lovely little 8 year old girl whose mother may well be dying.

Over the past five years, she has visited her mother approximately every  six weeks and for only a couple of hours at a time.  There is a  complicated history.  The mother has advancing  symptoms of MS and has also been hospitalized for mental illness for 18 months, just having been released one year ago.

Her mother's family contacted her father and nearly three months ago.  At that time they feared the end was near so we made the decision to  take her to visit at the hospital.  We tried to prepare her for what she  may see however it was very shocking.  Her mother was totally dibilitated ... blind, bedridden, and wailing.

This child is very quiet by nature and not very expressive.  She cried a  couple of times after the visit but that is it.  She goes through bouts of being quiet and withdrawn but will not speak of her feelings even when coaxed.She has told me that she thinks her mother is dying.

What type of ongoing grieving process might we expect?  She doesn't want  to visit her mother again or any of her relatives.   We have given her a journal to write her thoughts in and she has a couple of times.  How can we help her get her feelings out?

What a tragic and horrible situation.  How dreadful for all of you.  But the wonderful news is that this sweet child has someone, you, who is looking out for her emotional needs.

Indeed, we can offer many things to help.  First is KIDSAID, our newly opened wing of GriefNet designed especially for and run by kids.  You can find it by clicking on our front page or by going to kidsaid.com  There you may find much that she, in particular, will enjoy.

If she's a reader and writer, she might wish to join our support group for kids, called kids-2-kids.  We check with each kid to learn whether there is an adult who is aware of what they are doing.  Adults may lurk but may not participate.

Thirdly you might wish to check out our Bookstore.    The other one we are adding to our store.  The book is caled *My Mom is Dying* and it's by Jill Westberg McNamara.  I cannot imagine a better book for this age. 

Furthermore, there is some wonderful music out for children.  The best is *Together We Can Heal* and you can find it in GriefNet's Bookstore under Music.  It was written for kids and much of the performance is kids.  It's very professional and has lyrics kids will listen to and draw from.

And what about help for the stepmother?  Our support group, grief-coping,  might be a place where you can find a number of supporters.  The issues that the families of seriously ill people have are pretty much similar. You'd be amazed at how many people will truly care and also have some useful ideas. 

Don't hesitate to write back for any further help.  Our deepest caring to you all.

What an excellent question this is. So many people want to know just how to respond to someone who has had a major loss.

We think that you should definitely tell him, at an appropriate moment, that you are very sorry his father died and know that he must miss him a lot. Your son's friend may not want to talk about it right then, or even say anything other than a mumble, but his heart will hear your caring.

Generally people who are bereaved don't bring the subject up because they have already run into many people who don't want to talk about it or who say hurtful things. By mentioning it you let him know that you are not afraid to talk about it. By saying you're sorry, you let him know you care. By saying nothing more and letting him respond as and when he will, you let him know you are not going to force the issue on him.

I am so terribly sorry to learn that your son ended his life. What an overwhelming tragedy for you and your family.

Although I am a psychologist, I am not a suicidologist and so cannot comment on whether your family is at increased risk. But I can point you to a number of resources to help you. You can begin with our suicide page at our parent site. There are links there to resources around the world.

You might wish to join our support group for parents whose children have taken their own lives. It is called griefparents-suicide and you can join it by going to http://griefnet.org/support.dir/sg2.html Your children may wish to join our support group for kids here at KIDSAID. There are a number of children in that group who have experienced loss due to suicide, and they are extremely supportive of and caring for one another.

I hope that your family counselling helps you all in dealing with your loss and that it makes you stronger as a family. I applaud your wisdom of seeking help for you all.

Finally, I send you the very deepest sympathy of all of us here at KIDSAID and GriefNet. Do not hesitate to contact us for further help as you travel down this long hard road of bereavement.

Your nephew's grief about his father is in fact very normal. Coming to terms with a loss such as this one, of a parent while one is still young, does not happen easily nor quickly. Thinking about his father when he is not otherwise occupied is quite understandable. Eighteen months is not a long time, considering that he'd had his father all his life.

You say he is clearly depressed. By this do you mean he is sad, as you've described, or clinically depressed? A clinical depression has specific features which may include changes in appetite, sleep, libido, metabolism. It may also include the inability to be happy about anything, a desire to vegetate or to super-achieve. It is a specific biochemical disorder that can, fortunately, be treated by a physician. His regular doctor should be able to evaluate and treat him if you think this is the case. If you're not sure and want to discuss it further, just write back.

If he is on line, I urge you to have him join our support group for adults who have lost a parent. There are, in fact, many younger people in that group, and it is a more appropriate place for people his age than our group at KIDSAID for kids. Just point him to our adult support groups page, and he can easily join.

Whether uncle or older brother, your nephew is very lucky to have you to care about him. Few of us, of any age, have someone who cares so deeply about one's feelings. Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help, now or in the future.

I'm so sorry to learn about your husband's death. What a tragic loss, both for him being so young and for you losing a young husband. This is very hard for all of you.

Your younger son's reactions are both normal and he may also need some extra help. As it's only been two weeks, it's still early to evaluate his reactions. Those two weeks probably seem both like a year and like only a minute. Just letting more time pass may give you a better idea of how he is doing.

If your son and your husband did not get along well, then his grief is going to be harder for him to manage. This seems always to be the case when we lose someone about whom we had strong but mixed feelings. This alone may be enough for you to consider counselling for him. A therapist who deals with adolescent grief might be appropriate.

We have a support group here for kids: kids-to-kids. There are kids there of all ages, both sexes, with many different types of loss. Your son would be very welcome there, indeed.

Finally, don't forget to consider yourself. You are not only widowed, you have become a single parent. How well you deal with your grief will greatly determine how well your children deal with theirs. You might wish to consider joining our support group for widowed people at our parent site, GriefNet. The group is called grief-widowed.

On GriefNet you also might wish to check our bookstore. Our topical index should help you find resources for both yourself and your children.

Don't hesitate to write back if we can be of any further help to you.

First of all my apologies for not replying sooner to your message. It arrived here shortly after the Littleton massacre, and we are still trying to answer everything.

I'm so very sorry to learn of your son's loss. It is tragic for all of you, and the loss for him not only of his girlfriend, but also for many of his dreams about the future.

My advice now is the same as it would have been had I been able to answer sooner. It is that it is not possible to know what would be the best thing to do. There are pros and cons for staying in town and for going away. And it is really not possible to know right now which would be best.

You are correct that much can change in four months. Try to remember that all decisions are made on the basis of insufficient data, meaning that hindsight is always better than foresight. Your son will probably go through many changes due to this loss. My concern would be to get him the support and comfort that he needs to deal with it now, and to let some of the decisions wait. It will undoubtedly be easier for him to change schools down the road than to deal with the loss of his girlfriend right now.

Please let him know about the resources both here at KIDSAID and at our parent site, GriefNet. He would be welcome either in K2K or in our "widowed" support group for adults. He's at that in-between age, and we have both had older kids in KIDSAID and younger adults in grief-widowed. Have him write to me directly if he wishes.

Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help.

I'm so very sorry to learn of your husband's death. How difficult for you all to deal with this loss and the complete re-structuring of your family. I am so glad to learn that you found dounselling and that you are now doing well.

Your in-laws' absence from your lives is a very painful one for your son. From what you say it seems as though they are not dealing with the loss of their son very well, if seeing their grandson is so painful that they avoid him. My intuition would be to tell your son what you think the reason really is, even if it is that they don't "know how to be sad." You can point out to your son that counselling helped you but that his grandparents haven't had that help. Or, if it is the case, you can tell your son that you just don't know why.

Reassure your son that their feelings are not the result of anything that he has or has not done. Their feelings do, indeed, come as a result of his father's death. And while their behavior is tragic, it is unfortunately not uncommon. Tell him that sometimes people do this: they get so sad that they can't feel their love anymore. But let him know that this will not happen with you; that you have learned how to be sad and still feel your love for him.

I am so terribly sorry to learn about your sister's death. What a tragic way for her to have died, especially since we are now able to treat manic depressive illnesses with medication.

This is of course especially awful for Katie, given how close they were. Her fears are perfectly normal after such a shock. Many of us have such fears after a death, even when we are adults. My best advice would be to give her the comfort of contact, going into her room with her and leaving a light on at night. I'm glad you took the mirror out, as she asked. As you allow her to experience her fears, her feelings will begin to emerge. But first she needs to feel safe.

You might also reassure her that if her aunt does come to her, it would not be in a scary way. It sounds as though she is reacting to the myths and beliefs about death that children her age become fascinated with. I remember when my daughter had to hold her breath when we drove past a graveyard until we passed a white house, and when she thought "ghosts" were in her room at night. Reassurance and time got her through.

To learn more about how children grieve, go to our page from the Dougy Center. You will also find some resources in our Bookstore at GriefNet

I think you will also be pleased to know that here we have a support group in which she would be welcome, called kids-to-kids. The kids in that group are of ages 8-18 and have experienced many different types of loss.

There are many ways to help your students deal with the death of their  classmate.  You don't say what age your students are, so I will give you some general suggestions which you may wish to vary accordingly.

The first thing to do, of course, is to talk with them about the loss.  They should be encouraged to voice their  thoughts, their fears, their feelings.  By sharing your feelings, you model this.

Books and art are the next two methods that I prefer.   You can see some of these suggestions below.  With students of any age, I would recommend reading to them the books you find that are most appropriate.  You can begin your search in the GriefNet Bookstore.

Drawing and other forms of art work are very healing.  Your students might wish to make cards for the classmate's family, or they may wish to write notes to the classmate himself that can be put on his grave, if there is one, given to his family, or simply hung on a special place in your classroom. Your students are certainly luck to have such a caring teacher in you.

Finally, please realize that your students won't "overcome" this student's death; hopefully they will learn how to live with the loss.   Grief never ends, but it can become more manageable.   Don't hesitate to write back if I can be of any further help.

I am so terribly sorry to learn about all these losses just coming one after the other in your lives.  It is no wonder that your son is  overwhelmed and has not expressed much emotion.  It is very common for kids to hold in their grief and to only express it once in a while.  Feelings ARE harder to deal with at night.  And it makes sense that he would still be wishing his father would come back.

Whatever age your son is he could certainly join our support group, kids-to-kids.  Here he might find others to talk to who understand.  Even just reading what other kids have to say can help.

If you can tell me how old he is, I can recommend some books that might help.  I can also recommend some books that might help you help him deal with his losses.

In all of this you don't mention how these losses affect you, but I'm sure you have very painful feelings.  We have support groups at GriefNet which can help you, as well.  Please go to our support groups page and check out what we have to offer.  You might wish to join adult-sibs, to help you deal with your brother's suicide.  Others in your family might wish to join a group, as well.  We work to keep our support groups safe places in which people are safe to deal with overwhelming feelings. I hope some of this is helpful. 

Although I might not get this message to you right away, it will not be too late to help you, because your work with this family will  not be a one-shot deal.  If you have worked with children on other issues  of loss, and if you have faced death personally or professionally, you  will be able to deal with them on this one.

The basics:

• never lie or soften and answer.  Answer straightforwardly and honestly,  even if the answer is gruesome.  Kids' imaginations are much more ghastly  than any reality ever could be.

• Don't hesitate to raise the topic, even if the child shows no interest  or response.  You need to model that this topic is one you can handle.

• Don't press them for a comment or even a show of interest.  If kids don't want to talk about something, they simply shut down that part of their consciousness.

• Remember that kids cycle fast...an upset with tears, etc., that would put a normal adult into bed for the rest of the day after strong  infusions of tea, will be over for a kid within minutes and they'll go on to something else.

• Children grieve much more deeply and intensely than adults.  You may not see it, but it's there.

• Children grieve more nonverbally than verbally.  Art, stories, song, dance, etc. etc. will help them work through their grief.

• Remember that just by being there and caring, you are giving them much more than their world is able to do.

We have lots of info on our site you can browse through, and links to other sites.  I'm a great believer in books, both for the kid and for the helper. 

*****   Don't hesitate to write back for any further help and advice. 

I am so sorry to learn about the death of your daughter.  What a tragic loss for your family.  And what a  wonderful mom you are to want to help him remember his sister and her love.

We know that infants grieve, so certainly he knows his sister is gone.  Photos and, if you have them, videos of his sister will help keep her memory alive for him.  But since she died before your son had many language skills, his memory of her will be different than if she had died when he was two or three.

Your love for your daughter is what your son will know most.  He will learn from you how much she loved him, and how much you loved her.

Are you aware that we have support groups for bereaved parents at our parent site, GriefNet? 

Don't hesitate to write back if we can be of any further help.

Hello.  I'm hoping you can help me.  I am 29 years old and have a brother who is 43, and has Down's Syndrome.  We recently lost our father very suddenly.  My brother "R" often doesn't express himself when he's upset, and much to my relief, he has cried over my father's passing.  It has been several weeks now and he seems to be quite depressed.  As he is not able to read, and won't let me read to him (being treated "like a grown up" is VERY important to him) - are there any books on tape available geared toward someone like "R" that is trying to cope with grief??  His education level is around 1st grade.    Do you have any suggestions on how to help him express his feelings? I've started out by reassuring him it's ok that he feels sad and that crying doesn't make him a "baby" (this is a HUGE concern of his).  I've also let him know that we can talk whenever (and if ever) he wants to.

After that, I backed off because I don't want to push too hard...I would appreciate any advice that you can offer.

Although I don't know all the answers to your questions, this is an excellent topic for us all to learn more about.  I am not highly experienced in working with the retarded, I believe that many of the things that help children would help people like your brother.  I am going to offer my suggestions, and then those of some of my colleagues below.

Does your brother like to draw?  That is often a good way to express feelins, for people of any age.

When you ask for books on tape, are you looking for books at a 1st grade level?  Or would he be able to handle books written for higher ages? Because I can recommmend books, but then finding them on tape would take a little research, which you could easily do.

One thing you might do is to model talking about grief, by bringing up your own feelings of sadness at times you think are appropriate.  If he wishes to follow the conversation, then he will.  If not, then you can just let it drop.

With all of us, learning to deal with loss takes enormous repetition.  We go over and over and over it in our minds.  Certainly this will be just as true for your brother, if not more so.

One suggestion I have for you is to consider joining our support-group, adult-parents.  There you will not only get support for yourself, but you may well run into others who have retarded relatives and get some ideas there.

Suggestion from a colleague:

The New York State Office of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities (44 Holland Ave., Albany 12229)has materials available regarding bereavement resources for persons with developmental disabilities.

Also, articles in Journal of Pastoral Care (Vol XLI(1), 1987)"Journey into Understanding Mentally Retarded People's Experiences Around Death" and in Journal of Gerontological Social Work (Vol 13(#/4), 1989 "Group Work Experience With Mentally Retarded Adults on the Issues of Death and Dying."

Also a chapter in Doka, Living With Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve(Brunner/Mazel, 1998)on "Helping Individuals With Developmental Disabilities."

Here's another suggestion from a colleague:

I think there is an audio of "Freddie the Leaf" out there. It is appropriate to all ages, very simple, but profound. I can't remember who voices it, but I do remember they do an excellent job.  Amazon.com has the book in audio.